Friday, 1 June 2012

2294 Bits and pieces of me and life in general

There is so much to write about. Politicians past and present, senior civil servants, a political adviser and a leading Murdoch man appearing at Leveson Inquiry, some interesting films, the first part of the last season of the Sopranos and the latest series of “give me a child for seven years and I give you the man” documentaries as the original group of seven year olds reach the age of 56 and the programme looks back over their lives and asks if they have thoughts about getting old.

It is a good question because until reaching the sixties I believe one still looks forward to the future and sees oneself with the heart of youth. But there comes a period of time when the reality of age comes to the fore. It is not, at least for me, death, although the manner of dying is an issue given the reality that the dying can be, or disability, given that disability confronts some at birth and then because of accident, war or other forms of malice affects the rest of a life.

It is losing that sense of original experience, at least for you, is still to come, and that what is to come can only be a variation of what has been before. True there is joy from the knowledge that children, grand children, and those fortunate to know their great grand children, all are experiencing new and better, but one also feels their pain and disappointment, and for me I have always feel the pain, frustration and fear of others I only encounter at a distance, with at times affecting me more so than my own experience.

I used to think that the intensity of such feelings was something restricted to creatives, the urge to be different, to make one’s mark, to leave a legacy, to climb or travel where no one has been before. As I age I am increasingly unsure this is so and suspect it is part of the universal experience of being.

I  have always been able to live in the knowledge that others were brighter, retained information, travelled greater distances, possessed bigger houses and gardens, owned  more possessions and so on more than I ever would, or anyone in fact should, and the drive was to see how far I could go or help others to do so. It is the knowledge that you have gone as far as you can and that tomorrow there is only look back or more of the same that disheartens and at times depresses. The weather affects me more as I age and this year there has only been two individual weeks of days when I want to be on he outside, hankering for the Mediterranean heat and in particular the Greek, Spanish and Italian light,

I have never been and hope will never become a why do I bother person. I write as part of my 101 contemporary art installation project and for myself to bring order and purpose and to remember, and I publish in the hope that sometimes I may combine words into meanings which are value to others just as the words of others have and continue to mean so much for me, and even if this only involves regurgitating all that has been said and written before, and usually better,

I decided to write this when there was less than 36 hours before learning if the quality of my life was about to change from what it has been over recent years although as with all changes there are negatives as well as positive aspects to experience and adjustments. Now after a mixed  eight hours of sleep I have  become more relaxed and less tense than the past few days and I have less than a couple of hours  to write more and prepare to attend a regional specialist hospital where the letter advised the visit would take 90 minutes in the company of others including an individual processing and if what is written applies to me then it will be another 24 hours before I will be able to make an initial assessment and consider the potential impact for the future.
I am open to what to expect because previously I received a letter asking me to visit the local hospital for one purpose only to find when I arrived it was for another.

There has been a mixture of omens over the past few days. I cleaned the top of the gas cooker with the consequence that only three of the four rings immediately worked. I remembered the advice previously given and for while it looked as if I would need to consult the domestic repair insurance to see if and what was covered as all my efforts failed. Then I managed to get all four rings to operate as intended and then yesterday lunchtime when I went to make a curry, the ring most used did not operate and I decided to use another and will leave until after the weekend of Royal celebrations. 

Then the hot water system failed to function on demand and even the central heating refused to obey the downstairs switch so I had confront the control unit once more. I was about to arrange a call out when separately I was able to do the washing up down stairs and the washing and shaving of myself in the bathroom upstairs. Last night when it turned cold late evening the central heating came on immediately to take the chill away before  bedtime. This morning however I had to turn on the central heating to get hot water for the accumulated washing up.

I have put off the ceiling florescent lighting in the kitchen, similarly water penetrating above the window where I work and onto the printer casing, although having moved the desk computer to a different position it was only the table cloth that was affected until I realised what was happening and grabbed a plastic bowl and as the regular few seconds drops persisted for over an hour a second drip commenced also in the same spot as the previous instance.

Then I contacted a local builder to explore and the young man sent claimed to have sort out the problem for what I considered to be small amount of cash. Yesterday it rained again solidly over the morning for a couple of hours without further dripping inside the home so perhaps it happens only through a combination of prolonged wind driven rain beating against the tiling and the adjacent brick work, a problem previously encountered from the window of the main bedroom at Newland House and where the regular household repairs man attempted several remedies until one proved successful.

I have also written generally that on Sunday I purchased plants to the value of £40 for £20 because apart from th broad beans the seedlings had not progressed to a point where it was possible to achieve the summer production and flowing of previous years and which has contributed to the raising of spirits, On Wednesday I was so angered by the contribution of the Education Secretary Michael Gove to Leveson that I switched off and attended to the  seedlings and the organisation of the various planting to my  satisfaction.  There are more seedlings surviving than anticipated but it needs a bout of warm weather and some additional feeding to make the progress necessary.

I will also leave making reference to the continuing problem of my big toes as I want to make a start on other writing as well as attend to the final preparations for the hospital visit. It is wear a suit and tie day.

There is only one other way in which the quality of my life could change and this is through the winning the National and European Lottery. I have three wins over that two weeks  amounting to £23.40,   60 pence short of the stake over the three week period ( 2 x £10 on the UK event and £3.40 from the European). There is £90 million available tonight so this is my next action as well as finishing the washing up after a light breakfast and sorting out food for the rest of the day. I doubled the usual investment of £2.

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