When I am home in a secure environment there is opportunity to evaluate every aspect of what I do and think in terms of my whole life and my present and future experience, but too often I am so caught up in the business of being that I lose sight of what my life has been about, what life in general is all about. It is more difficult to do this at times of stress, when the unplanned is happening or when one is wholeheartedly involved in new experience, and which will often be the situation when travelling.
What I have found over the past three years, the period when the relationship with my mother changed but the pattern of my life had a routine, a regularity, that the process of going away and then the involvement in something different from my normality, the constant need to take decisions, to make choices, to get the balance between the needs of my physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual being with my environment, all became more intense and that at some point I see things with a greater clarity than before, to the extent that I have changed the what I had planned for the visit and that planned for the return.
This morning I awoke with a prolonged dream or to be precise series of connected dream which centred on being on the front line of some conflict and assuming a role which led me away from the front line to behind the opposing lines with a view of communicating with them about these issues about doing the right thing in the right way for the right reasons and always being aware that what one does will affect the rest of your life and those of other people, including those you are to interact with in the future.
This led on awaking to question once more what I was doing, what I hoped to achieve, what was the impact of pressing ahead with seeking the truth about what happened to my aunt five years ago to ensure that consequently we were all aware of what we did and did not do and learnt from that experience in terms of what we then do and do not, especially those who clerically, administratively, managerially, professionally and politically have responsibility, accountability for the lives of others.
For these same years, and at times before I have become preoccupied by the fact that even with the best of motives and intentions it is possible to say or not say, do or not do and adversely affect the lives of others.
We all find that we have done or said things, as children in relations to out parents, or brothers and sisters, in relation to friends and then work colleagues, and then in adult relationships and completing the circle, in relation to our children, that have very diffident effects and consequences from those which we intended, wanted and had thought about beforehand. Looking back it seems that from my teenage ages I had the ability to influence others more than most and that this increased through my former occupation and such has been my concern that for a time, I ran away from situations where the responsibility felt too great although I continue to believe that I have never run away from the accountability, however much I have wanted to at times.
One could of course carry round a sign which says do not pay any intention to what I do or say or not do or not say, but inevitability this would attract even greater interest than before. I also tried to become invisible for a time, as this seemed be the best approach in terms of the interest of others, but then individuals came knocking at my door and I knew this was not the way for me as it can be for others. It is trying to be what I was and am not that has created many of the difficulties in my life, so I may as well do what I am good at as well as it is possible whatever the changing circumstances. Such thoughts, (knocked into a better shape and sense later) occupied my mind as I failed to sleep until the dawn on Monday and the process of catching up with myself has continued ever since.
I got up at about 9.15 and decided to pack and then go out and have a cooked breakfast and make my way to St Pancras about the same time as on Sunday, arriving at the station after noon with the train departure scheduled for one pm. I went to the nearest Wetherspoon's only to find that it was occupied by some early drinkers, about a score, so I made my way to the same one as yesterday only too find that it had not opened and this took the urge away so I went in search of some toast bread. To my surprise I did not locate anywhere as most of the establishments were coffee shops or special sandwich make ups and take aways. So I settled for a special offer Danish deal, one I enjoyed on return with a cup of instant coffee and the other on the train with a second cup of coffee.
The effect was to bring forward the time of the departure from the Travel Lodge which was just as well given what then happened.
Having thought I had mastered the touch screen instant ticket buying I could not find St Pancras station, presumably because the change occurred the previous day, and even the Thameslink link threw me as it took me to a screen where there was a single price ticket at £3.80, that I had paid on the previous Thursday evening. However aware that a queue had formed behind I had difficulty in completing he transaction efficiently. It then looked that I had just missed the next train although these appeared to run every 20 minutes although confusingly trains going in the opposite direction were also calling at the same platform, also every 20 minutes with a gap of ten. However on getting to the platform the train was still showing on the board with an additional note cancelled. Apparently failed during its journey and was being taken out of service, although as it was refusing to move this was immediately difficult!
As expected the next train was packed and coupled with standing for longer than intended on a bitterly cold platform I dozed in thoughts of the previous four days, The journey is in two parts, a non stop section to London Bridge and then a series of stops through the capital. I came too, realising that the train was at a platform, saw the sign Thameslink and thought I had arrived left the train and saw another sign toward Ludgate Hill and another to St Paul's. It was the wrong station, and I might have been able to get back on before the doors close but I hesitated over the thought of being considered a twit, and the doors closed and the train left me on a deserted platform, but at least I knew by then it was only a wait for 20 minutes. So just as I settled down and looked up at the travel board another train came into the platform and stopped half way along and appeared to be going on a similar route to the one I had just left. Fortunately the driver was near me so I checked that it was going to the International, he nodded, I got on and the train moved slowly down so that it covered the second half of the platform where I had been sitting and waiting a few seconds before departing again.
One sees St Pancras International from a very different perspective when pulling a case that thinks it is a trunk, although it was evident that there were many visitors. Including a large group fo children and adults who were being entertained at the Grotto. Which was puzzling as this was Monday morning. There has also been a vast number of officials with a party which one of then controlled with a large bull horn and there appeared to be a plethora of such officials everywhere. I was still in good time so the case wanting to be a trunk provided good opportunity for frequent stops to look around and I did this when outside because it was dry, no rain, not even the lightest of spot. There is major work being done on the hotel front so my thought that the January visit would be a good time for a more leisurely look with camera appeared a good one. There was also one vacant seat near the main notice board which caused some consternation because instead of GNER the trains were being run by National Express. I had known that GNER faced competition but assumed the recent giveaways and upgrading of on line ordering was an indication that it been successful and not the opposite.
Previously , because of the search for a double free seat I would not wait by the main board or in the waiting room, but stand close to the platform entrances and work out which of the standing trains without destination boards were the most likely and try and spot the official who brought the appropriate information board which was then fitted to the platform entrance. Alas the system ahs been modernised and the boards are simultaneously automatic so I was quickly overtaken by the rush of those who had tickets which did not require seats to be booked. I settled for the booked aisle seat regretting that I had not taken the window as there was a computer/mobile phone power point. The seat was then taken and the rest of the compartment filled with one exception the two seats across the aisle remained empty and both had tickets from Kings Cross, one to Newcastle and one to York. The majority of those around me appeared to be Scottish and the train was going to Edinburgh and Glasgow. The previous train ended at Newcastle when there would have been more chance of a spare double seat.
But then with good luck the two seats across the aisle remained vacant as the train moved off, so I moved over and plugged in and then found the combination of the size of my laptop, my tum and the space between seats was such as almost impossible to use without a proper table. However I managed by sitting on the outer seat with the laptop on the other seat and correctly my notes on the previous four days. The journey was about midway when a woman of my generation joined the compartment and insisted that she had a ticket at what was table occupied by a family of four. They insisted that they had tickets for the full table but I speculated if they had three and one of the two I occupied. Anyway the solution was evident. I offered one of the two seats to the lady who was delighted at a solution which made everyone happy without calling an customer service assistant as the guards are now called. This did involved a hectic move of me, unplugging and closure of computer and sorting out of other possession which was hilarious to other passengers but less so to me. The lady and I engaged in a good conversation until my arrival in Newcastle. However this was not the end of this particular travel affair because at York another lady arrived and claimed the seat which I had placed the first lady. However the new lady was also of similar generation and amenable temperament and did not mind taking my former aisle seat so everyone was happy. What was of interest is that on the downward journey my ticket had shown Edinburgh Newcastle and Newcastle London, whereas there was no dual use indicated on the window seat that had two occupants, in the event neither who had been allocated the seat. More on the implications of this in a moment.
At Newcastle I struggled down the stairs to the Metro as the lift was full, and whereas in London my struggles were ignored a young man immediately came up and offered to assist and did another the lady behind me. It was good to be home. I was sufficiently pleased with life as to drag the case thinks it a trunk from the home station along the road past the supermarket and up the hill to where I live and enjoyed the rest of the evening making a salami and olive omelette, followed by grapes and later some toast. I unpacked, heated the house opened the post, checked emails there were fifty seven but only a few of interest. Hey I won £10 on the lottery again, one day my dream will come and then replied to some and converted some of the notes into blogs, watched some TV and some other work going to be around 1.30, but could I sleep.
Anyway later tonight I received a new email from National Express who sends me emails about their coach travel from time to time that they took over GNER on Saturday and I needed to re register to get emails…. So what I thought what about my free First Class travel? And then I learnt that their national on line ticket booking and registration system had failed. Their words not mine. However they did say they were providing free wireless and better time keeping was promised together with the existing low fare structure. We shall see not a good beginning. And worse on a different matter was to come but also news which means another mini trip before Christmas.
What I have found over the past three years, the period when the relationship with my mother changed but the pattern of my life had a routine, a regularity, that the process of going away and then the involvement in something different from my normality, the constant need to take decisions, to make choices, to get the balance between the needs of my physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual being with my environment, all became more intense and that at some point I see things with a greater clarity than before, to the extent that I have changed the what I had planned for the visit and that planned for the return.
This morning I awoke with a prolonged dream or to be precise series of connected dream which centred on being on the front line of some conflict and assuming a role which led me away from the front line to behind the opposing lines with a view of communicating with them about these issues about doing the right thing in the right way for the right reasons and always being aware that what one does will affect the rest of your life and those of other people, including those you are to interact with in the future.
This led on awaking to question once more what I was doing, what I hoped to achieve, what was the impact of pressing ahead with seeking the truth about what happened to my aunt five years ago to ensure that consequently we were all aware of what we did and did not do and learnt from that experience in terms of what we then do and do not, especially those who clerically, administratively, managerially, professionally and politically have responsibility, accountability for the lives of others.
For these same years, and at times before I have become preoccupied by the fact that even with the best of motives and intentions it is possible to say or not say, do or not do and adversely affect the lives of others.
We all find that we have done or said things, as children in relations to out parents, or brothers and sisters, in relation to friends and then work colleagues, and then in adult relationships and completing the circle, in relation to our children, that have very diffident effects and consequences from those which we intended, wanted and had thought about beforehand. Looking back it seems that from my teenage ages I had the ability to influence others more than most and that this increased through my former occupation and such has been my concern that for a time, I ran away from situations where the responsibility felt too great although I continue to believe that I have never run away from the accountability, however much I have wanted to at times.
One could of course carry round a sign which says do not pay any intention to what I do or say or not do or not say, but inevitability this would attract even greater interest than before. I also tried to become invisible for a time, as this seemed be the best approach in terms of the interest of others, but then individuals came knocking at my door and I knew this was not the way for me as it can be for others. It is trying to be what I was and am not that has created many of the difficulties in my life, so I may as well do what I am good at as well as it is possible whatever the changing circumstances. Such thoughts, (knocked into a better shape and sense later) occupied my mind as I failed to sleep until the dawn on Monday and the process of catching up with myself has continued ever since.
I got up at about 9.15 and decided to pack and then go out and have a cooked breakfast and make my way to St Pancras about the same time as on Sunday, arriving at the station after noon with the train departure scheduled for one pm. I went to the nearest Wetherspoon's only to find that it was occupied by some early drinkers, about a score, so I made my way to the same one as yesterday only too find that it had not opened and this took the urge away so I went in search of some toast bread. To my surprise I did not locate anywhere as most of the establishments were coffee shops or special sandwich make ups and take aways. So I settled for a special offer Danish deal, one I enjoyed on return with a cup of instant coffee and the other on the train with a second cup of coffee.
The effect was to bring forward the time of the departure from the Travel Lodge which was just as well given what then happened.
Having thought I had mastered the touch screen instant ticket buying I could not find St Pancras station, presumably because the change occurred the previous day, and even the Thameslink link threw me as it took me to a screen where there was a single price ticket at £3.80, that I had paid on the previous Thursday evening. However aware that a queue had formed behind I had difficulty in completing he transaction efficiently. It then looked that I had just missed the next train although these appeared to run every 20 minutes although confusingly trains going in the opposite direction were also calling at the same platform, also every 20 minutes with a gap of ten. However on getting to the platform the train was still showing on the board with an additional note cancelled. Apparently failed during its journey and was being taken out of service, although as it was refusing to move this was immediately difficult!
As expected the next train was packed and coupled with standing for longer than intended on a bitterly cold platform I dozed in thoughts of the previous four days, The journey is in two parts, a non stop section to London Bridge and then a series of stops through the capital. I came too, realising that the train was at a platform, saw the sign Thameslink and thought I had arrived left the train and saw another sign toward Ludgate Hill and another to St Paul's. It was the wrong station, and I might have been able to get back on before the doors close but I hesitated over the thought of being considered a twit, and the doors closed and the train left me on a deserted platform, but at least I knew by then it was only a wait for 20 minutes. So just as I settled down and looked up at the travel board another train came into the platform and stopped half way along and appeared to be going on a similar route to the one I had just left. Fortunately the driver was near me so I checked that it was going to the International, he nodded, I got on and the train moved slowly down so that it covered the second half of the platform where I had been sitting and waiting a few seconds before departing again.
One sees St Pancras International from a very different perspective when pulling a case that thinks it is a trunk, although it was evident that there were many visitors. Including a large group fo children and adults who were being entertained at the Grotto. Which was puzzling as this was Monday morning. There has also been a vast number of officials with a party which one of then controlled with a large bull horn and there appeared to be a plethora of such officials everywhere. I was still in good time so the case wanting to be a trunk provided good opportunity for frequent stops to look around and I did this when outside because it was dry, no rain, not even the lightest of spot. There is major work being done on the hotel front so my thought that the January visit would be a good time for a more leisurely look with camera appeared a good one. There was also one vacant seat near the main notice board which caused some consternation because instead of GNER the trains were being run by National Express. I had known that GNER faced competition but assumed the recent giveaways and upgrading of on line ordering was an indication that it been successful and not the opposite.
Previously , because of the search for a double free seat I would not wait by the main board or in the waiting room, but stand close to the platform entrances and work out which of the standing trains without destination boards were the most likely and try and spot the official who brought the appropriate information board which was then fitted to the platform entrance. Alas the system ahs been modernised and the boards are simultaneously automatic so I was quickly overtaken by the rush of those who had tickets which did not require seats to be booked. I settled for the booked aisle seat regretting that I had not taken the window as there was a computer/mobile phone power point. The seat was then taken and the rest of the compartment filled with one exception the two seats across the aisle remained empty and both had tickets from Kings Cross, one to Newcastle and one to York. The majority of those around me appeared to be Scottish and the train was going to Edinburgh and Glasgow. The previous train ended at Newcastle when there would have been more chance of a spare double seat.
But then with good luck the two seats across the aisle remained vacant as the train moved off, so I moved over and plugged in and then found the combination of the size of my laptop, my tum and the space between seats was such as almost impossible to use without a proper table. However I managed by sitting on the outer seat with the laptop on the other seat and correctly my notes on the previous four days. The journey was about midway when a woman of my generation joined the compartment and insisted that she had a ticket at what was table occupied by a family of four. They insisted that they had tickets for the full table but I speculated if they had three and one of the two I occupied. Anyway the solution was evident. I offered one of the two seats to the lady who was delighted at a solution which made everyone happy without calling an customer service assistant as the guards are now called. This did involved a hectic move of me, unplugging and closure of computer and sorting out of other possession which was hilarious to other passengers but less so to me. The lady and I engaged in a good conversation until my arrival in Newcastle. However this was not the end of this particular travel affair because at York another lady arrived and claimed the seat which I had placed the first lady. However the new lady was also of similar generation and amenable temperament and did not mind taking my former aisle seat so everyone was happy. What was of interest is that on the downward journey my ticket had shown Edinburgh Newcastle and Newcastle London, whereas there was no dual use indicated on the window seat that had two occupants, in the event neither who had been allocated the seat. More on the implications of this in a moment.
At Newcastle I struggled down the stairs to the Metro as the lift was full, and whereas in London my struggles were ignored a young man immediately came up and offered to assist and did another the lady behind me. It was good to be home. I was sufficiently pleased with life as to drag the case thinks it a trunk from the home station along the road past the supermarket and up the hill to where I live and enjoyed the rest of the evening making a salami and olive omelette, followed by grapes and later some toast. I unpacked, heated the house opened the post, checked emails there were fifty seven but only a few of interest. Hey I won £10 on the lottery again, one day my dream will come and then replied to some and converted some of the notes into blogs, watched some TV and some other work going to be around 1.30, but could I sleep.
Anyway later tonight I received a new email from National Express who sends me emails about their coach travel from time to time that they took over GNER on Saturday and I needed to re register to get emails…. So what I thought what about my free First Class travel? And then I learnt that their national on line ticket booking and registration system had failed. Their words not mine. However they did say they were providing free wireless and better time keeping was promised together with the existing low fare structure. We shall see not a good beginning. And worse on a different matter was to come but also news which means another mini trip before Christmas.
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